The Normal Life Process of Grieving
By: JFW
Grief
is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the
emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural,
social and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the
death of a loved
one, be they friend, family, or other. While the terms are often used
interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the
reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of
employment,
pets, status, a sense
of safety, order, possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. Our
response to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional
views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable
series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses
that are influenced by
personality,
family,
culture, and
spiritual and
religious
beliefs and practices.
Bereavement, while a normal part of life for us all, carries high risk factors
when no support is available. Severe reactions to loss may carry over into
familial relations and cause trauma for children and spouses: there is an
increased risk of marital breakup following the death of a child, for example.
Many forms of what we term 'mental
illness' have loss as their root and
aetiology,
but covered by many years and circumstances this often goes unnoticed. Issues of
personal faith and beliefs also come under severe attack as persons reassess
personal definitions in the face of great pain. Probably the best resource to
avoid problems are early intervention and caring support, and understanding of
the experience. Often non-professionals are just as or more effective in this
role than professionals.
At some
point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to
us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is
actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a
loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a limb, even intense
disappointment can cause grief. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages
of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck
in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to
the fifth stage - acceptance.
To explain
it further:
What is grief?
When grieving due to a loss or bereavement there are considered to be 5 stages
In this document I am simply outlining what my experience of grieving for a
loved one has meant to me. Grieving is a very personal experience for everyone.
No one human can or should tell you how to grieve. That is not the intent here.
I hope this will help you identify what you are feeling. Also it is to let you
know you are not alone with how you are feeling. I found it very helpful to have
caring people around me to help me. At some time in life we all feel loss and
must find a way to cope with it.
In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind
to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make
believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our
loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there,
rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Flashing back to
times and conversations in the past as though they we here with us now. They can
all be part of this stage
We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others
for our loss. We can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can
even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger
inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief in my
experience.
Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with your god. Often we
will offer something to try to take away the reality of what has happened. We
may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the
tragic event occured. It is only human to want thing as they were before.
Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. This
is what I would consider the most difficult stage of the five to deal with.
There can be a the feeling listlessness and tiredness. You may be bursting
helplessly into tears. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more.
Feeling guilty, like everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like
you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve even from
things and activities which you have always gained delight. There can even be
thoughts of suicide. There are many different ways in which this stage of grief
can manifest itself. If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself
any harm please do seek professional counseling. Self preservation is a must.
The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that life has to go on. You can
here accept your loss. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals
for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will.
During
grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger,
loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses.
Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.
Yet
denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is
harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest
"looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings,
the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it
will take longer for healing to take place.
Grieving
and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have
a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink
enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.
Most
people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly,
without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the
person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.
The most common loss in our society of a loved one is that of the death of a
spouse: it is an expected change, particularly as we age. A spouse, though,
often becomes part of the other in a unique way: many widows and widowers
describe losing 'half' of themselves, and after a long marriage, at older ages,
the elderly may find it a very difficult assimilation to begin anew. Further,
most couples have a division of 'tasks' or 'labor', e.g. the husband mows the
yard, the wife pays the bills, etc. which in addition to dealing with great
grief and life changes means added responsibilities for the bereaved. Social
isolation may also become eminent as many groups composed of couples find it
difficult adjust to the new identity of the bereaved. When queried about what in
life is most troubling, most rate death of a spouse first, although the death of
a child presents more risk factors. Somewhere there must be an evolutionary
function to grief, given that eventually everyone loses everyone at some point
throughout history.
Many other losses predispose persons to these same experiences, although often
not as severely. Loss reactions may occur after the loss of a romantic
relationship (i.e.
divorce or
break up), a vocation, a pet (animal
loss), a home, children leaving home (empty nest), a friend, a favored
appointment or desire, etc. While the reaction may not be as intense,
experiences of loss may still show in these forms of bereavement.
In one
way or another, we are all affected by death. Losses are inevitable and are ever
present in all lives. Death is universal. Grief is universal. We all must cope
with bereavement at some stage in our lives. Even though death can be separated
into two categories, long-term illness and sudden death, all death is sudden.
The finality of death brings to those left behind a tremendous amount of
emotional pain. Grief is not something abnormal; rather, it is a normal and
inevitable step in our journey through life. Two simple definitions of grief are
1) the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern
or behavior. 2) a normal, natural and painful emotional reaction to loss. We can
grieve not only for the passing of a human life, but also for the death of a
relationship (divorce) or we can suffer the same emotional reactions over the
loss of a beloved pet. Grieving is difficult because it involved many intense
feelings – love, sadness, fear, anger, relief, compassion, hate, or happiness to
name a few. Not everyone experiences all of these feelings but many in the
grieving process experience several of them at the same time. The feelings are
intense, disorganizing and can be long lasting. Grieving often feels has been
described as drowning in a sea of painful emotions.
There are
certain stages of grief. 1) Shock – Immediately following the death of a loved
one it is difficult to accept the loss. A feeling of unreality occurs. During
those first days and through any religious rituals or memorials there is a
feeling of being-out-of-touch. 2) Emotional Release – the awareness of just how
dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense pangs of grief. In this stage a
grieving individuals sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably 3) Panic - For some
time a grieving person can feel in the grip of mental instability. They can find
themselves wandering around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to
finish what they started. Physical symptoms also can appear -- tightness in the
throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and
fatigue, headaches, migraine headaches, gastric and bowel upsets. 4) Guilt – At
this stage an individual can begin to feel guilty about failures to do enough
for the deceased, guilt over what happened or what didn’t happen. 5) Hostility –
Some individuals feel anger at what “caused” the loss of the loved one. 6)
Inability to Resume Business-as-Usual Activities - the ability to concentrate on
day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and
recognize that this is a normal phenomenon. A grieving person’s entire being –
emotional, physical and spiritual, is focused on the loss that just occurred.
Grief is a 100% experience. No one does it at 50%. 7) Reconciliation of Grief –
balance in life returns little by little, much like healing from a severe
physical wound. There are no set timeframes for healing. Each individual is
different. 8) Hope - the sharp, ever present pain of grief will lessen and hope
for a continued, yet different life emerges. Plans are made for the future and
the individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they
will always remember and have memories of the loved one.
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Grieving
is difficult work. The following are some suggestion to help in navigating the
journey through grief.
-Take
time. Don’t let others rush you into “getting over” your feelings.
-Don’t
make major decisions. The time of grief is a time of instability.
-Avoid
the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb the painful feelings.
-Cry.
Tears are the healthiest expression of grief. Don’t try to hold back crying for
the sake of others.
-Know
that there will be good days and bad days. Pangs of intense grief can surface
during holidays, significant events such as birthdays or anniversaries.
-Remember
the loved one often and as much as you need to. Look at photographs, read old
letters and retell your memories to friends and other members of the family.
-Seek
people who will understand your need to talk about what happened. Seek out
people who will really listen to your remembrances.
-Allow
yourself time to heal. Pay attention to your health. Make sure you are getting
enough sleep. Eat a healthy diet. Get outside in the sunshine for exercise or a
mild walk.
-Ask for
what you need from others. Accept what help they offer. Now is not the time to
try to do everything by yourself.
-Seek out
grief counseling if you feel you cannot cope alone. Grief counseling is
available through community resources, churches and licensed therapists. Join a
grief support group. Local community papers will usually have listings. Use the
Internet and join an electronic bulletin board dedicated to supporting
individuals who have lost loved ones.
-Remember
your grief is individual to you. Not everyone’s grief is identical to yours. You
will share some similarities with others, but grieving is a very personal and
very individual process.
Death
like any great wound leaves a scar. It may heal and the pain may ease but the
mark is always there. But the memories of the loved one are always there also.
The most important thing to remember is -- there is no right way or wrong way to
grieve. People grieve in their own time and in their own way. The second most
important thing to remember is – everything you feel during bereavement is
normal. The third most important thing to remember is – if you feel you cannot
cope with your loss alone, you don’t have to. Seek help. Grief is the pain of
not having the person who is gone. Through bereavement we learn to live without
that person.
Any Change
Of Circumstance can cause us to go through these processes.
We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go
through two or three simultaneously.
We all go
though grief, in one form or another.
May we all grow old together.